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Saturday, April 10, 2004
Pull me, Tug me, Tear me Apart
It's the most intense struggle. Both sides fighting fervently for their cause, unrelentlenting in their quest for dominence. Everything goes, nothing is sacred, there are no holds barred. A call for peace, a compromise, or even a surrender is impossible at this point. It's a fight-to-the-death, winner takes all battle. It rages inside of me.
I feel like I am being torn in two, three, four, a million pieces. It doesn't matter which way I am being pulled really, because I have no sense of direction at this point. I just wish someone, anyone, would blindfold me, spin me around, and point me in a general direction. At least then, I'd have a direction, albeit an uncertain one. Could I possibly use the word direction anymore in a single paragraph? Always wanting what I can't have....
"Always wanting what I can't have...." Now isn't that telling. That seems to be the source of all my angst. Why, oh why am I always attracted to what I can't have? To everyone else, limitations and boundaries are seemingly obvious. To me, they are a challenge. A sign reads 'DO NOT ENTER' and most people don't enter. Nooooooooo, not me, I feel the need to investigate, to find out what forbidden fruit is behind that door that I am so unfairly being denied. Well, this time what was behind that door is some radioactive, shoulda listened to the sign and stayed the hell outta there shit.
Alas, I entered and am now deep in the throes of it all, sporting a very apparent radioactive glow. What's even worse is that I like what I found behind the forbidden door. I want what I found behind this door. For my happiness and sanity, I need what is behind this door. So why am I frantically jerking at the handle and clawing at the door trying to find a way out? Why do I want to deny myself the satisfaction and contentment of having what I have always wanted? Is this a classic case of "Be careful what you ask for, you just may get it."? Now that I have it, what the hell am I going to do with it?!
I feel torn, confused, and uncertain about what I have discoverd. Not the discovery of my long-fated destiny that is the radioactive mess behind door number one, but the discoveries I am making about myself. I'm not the person I thought I was. I can't say whether I am better or worse yet, but I can say that I am different. I am sorely tempted to slam that door shut, bolt it tight, run for my life, and try my damnedest to forget what I found behind that door. The lovely, enchanting glow of my discovery, and the inner glow of self-discovery.
To pursue my exploration, I most certainly will be forced to abandon everything that I thought I was to do so. However, in my journey to find my buried treasure, I seem to have found more of my true self than I have ever known before. That's damn scary. I liked having myself defined in certain ways; mother, daugher, sister, confidant, wife, volunteer. The seemed so, so...nice. They seemed to fit in the nice little box that I called life. Now, they seem like a cop out, an excuse to not have to see me for me. I defined myself by other people. In the midst of my exploration I can confidently form a new, if yet incomplete, definition of myself: sensual, loving, conflicted, nurturing, curious, intrigued, lonely, inquisitive, loyal to myself, friendly, funny(at least I think so hehe), magnetic, insecure at times, and frightenly enough, dependent. All that, and I can still say I'm nice. How's that for the complete package? Oh, I forgot to add modest to that list. ;)
Note to Self: Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.
It's the most intense struggle. Both sides fighting fervently for their cause, unrelentlenting in their quest for dominence. Everything goes, nothing is sacred, there are no holds barred. A call for peace, a compromise, or even a surrender is impossible at this point. It's a fight-to-the-death, winner takes all battle. It rages inside of me.
I feel like I am being torn in two, three, four, a million pieces. It doesn't matter which way I am being pulled really, because I have no sense of direction at this point. I just wish someone, anyone, would blindfold me, spin me around, and point me in a general direction. At least then, I'd have a direction, albeit an uncertain one. Could I possibly use the word direction anymore in a single paragraph? Always wanting what I can't have....
"Always wanting what I can't have...." Now isn't that telling. That seems to be the source of all my angst. Why, oh why am I always attracted to what I can't have? To everyone else, limitations and boundaries are seemingly obvious. To me, they are a challenge. A sign reads 'DO NOT ENTER' and most people don't enter. Nooooooooo, not me, I feel the need to investigate, to find out what forbidden fruit is behind that door that I am so unfairly being denied. Well, this time what was behind that door is some radioactive, shoulda listened to the sign and stayed the hell outta there shit.
Alas, I entered and am now deep in the throes of it all, sporting a very apparent radioactive glow. What's even worse is that I like what I found behind the forbidden door. I want what I found behind this door. For my happiness and sanity, I need what is behind this door. So why am I frantically jerking at the handle and clawing at the door trying to find a way out? Why do I want to deny myself the satisfaction and contentment of having what I have always wanted? Is this a classic case of "Be careful what you ask for, you just may get it."? Now that I have it, what the hell am I going to do with it?!
I feel torn, confused, and uncertain about what I have discoverd. Not the discovery of my long-fated destiny that is the radioactive mess behind door number one, but the discoveries I am making about myself. I'm not the person I thought I was. I can't say whether I am better or worse yet, but I can say that I am different. I am sorely tempted to slam that door shut, bolt it tight, run for my life, and try my damnedest to forget what I found behind that door. The lovely, enchanting glow of my discovery, and the inner glow of self-discovery.
To pursue my exploration, I most certainly will be forced to abandon everything that I thought I was to do so. However, in my journey to find my buried treasure, I seem to have found more of my true self than I have ever known before. That's damn scary. I liked having myself defined in certain ways; mother, daugher, sister, confidant, wife, volunteer. The seemed so, so...nice. They seemed to fit in the nice little box that I called life. Now, they seem like a cop out, an excuse to not have to see me for me. I defined myself by other people. In the midst of my exploration I can confidently form a new, if yet incomplete, definition of myself: sensual, loving, conflicted, nurturing, curious, intrigued, lonely, inquisitive, loyal to myself, friendly, funny(at least I think so hehe), magnetic, insecure at times, and frightenly enough, dependent. All that, and I can still say I'm nice. How's that for the complete package? Oh, I forgot to add modest to that list. ;)
Note to Self: Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.