Note to Self

Wednesday, April 09, 2003


Yesterday was my mom's 54th birthday. This had me reflecting on her life for the past 54 years. Sad to say, it has not been an easy road for her. You would never know it to meet her, but my mom has been though so much, and yet she is still so upbeat and giving.

My mom was born as a first child to parents who would divorce a couple of years later. Her mother went on to marry a man who was an abusive drunk asshole. My grandma wasn't the mother of the year herself. My mother was suffering terrible abuse at the hand's of her stepfather. You would think that as a mother you would leave that no good asshole and protect your daughter. Instead, her mother decided to abandon her at a group home for troubled and foster children. She signed my mother off as a ward of the state so she could continue to be beat and drink.

My grandmother went on to have four more children, who all lived with her, while my mom was not allowed to. I can not imagine the feelings of rejection and sadness that my mother must have felt. She lived at the Marsh for 11 years. It was run like a well oiled machine. No room for errors. Up at 5:15, to bed by 7:30 if I remember correctly. Lots and lots of chores to be done. There was very little staff for the 80-100 kids, most of the work was performed by the children. My mom does not talk about this much.

At 18, she was out on her own, with no where to go. Her dad decided that she could stay with him for awhile. Where was he the last 11 years you might ask? ABout 10 miles away. Yes, he knew she was living at the Marsh. Mom met a man, and became pregnant, and married quickly. This was not a happy marriage by any standards. He was always leaving for days or weeks at a time. None the less, they had two daughters together before they divorced. After her divorce my grandpa helped her out financially, and she was able to retain the 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom house on Short Street.

A couple of years later she met my dad, who is 7 years her junior. She had been a single mother for quite awhile at that point and my sister Tanya did not adjust well. They dated until T was feeling more comfortable, then made wedding plans. None to soon either, as mom was pregnant with me at that time. We were very poor at times in my childhood. Some times were worse than others, but there was never and abundance of anything. Two and a half years after I was born, my brother Zachary was born. Thirteen months after him, my sister Heather was born for a total of five children.

Mom and dad have always been the most ridiculously happy couple that I have ever seen. They were each other's saving grace. Throughout my childhood, mom and dad had to work a lot to make ends meet. Neither one of them were college educated, and layoffs were common with my dad's job. He would pick up construction work or whatnot whenever he was laid off, but the financial burden was pretty heavy. Throughout all the tough years, I saw their love grow stronger and stronger.

When I was 10 or so my second oldest sister threw a huge temper tantrum and moved out, vowing to never speak to mom or dad again. She was constantly moving back and forth between her dad's and our house, but this time she did not come back. This broke my mom's heart. We were all afraid to mention her name and cause mom to start crying. She joined the military a couple of years later and started sending letters. Finally, she came for a visit. The relationship was renewed, but has been rocky every since.

The biggest blow to my mom came in 1997, when my brother was killed in a car/train accident. My parents went out of town to stay at a bed and breakfast for their 20th wedding anniversary that Friday night. My brother and cousin were driving to pick up their friend, when Zach drove across a railroad track and was struck by an oncoming train. My mom and dad got the call that every parent is terrified of receiving, that their child had died. My parents were devastated by this. The grief was compounded by guilt that they were not home,and had they been, it never would have happened. It would have. He was going no where that he wouldn't have been going had they been home. It has been a rough five and a half years for them since then. They are coming through, but not without scars.

My mom lost her best friend of almost 40 years this New Year's Eve. Kathy had been the one to be there for mom through everything. Now that she is gone, I can see that mom is looking for her old friend, her trusted shoulder to lean on.

It makes me sad to know that my mom has always known pain and loss from the very beginning of her life, when a child should be protected from that at all costs. I am grateful that she fought to protect my brother, sisters, and I from that. I often wonder how she would be different if she had known that unconditional love of a mother, in her childhood. I know that my mom loves me, but we rarely say it. Sometimes I think that it is hard for her to do so. Not that it pains her or anything, but that she mourns for what she did not have. Whatever the reaon, I am okay with that, I know that she loves me, she shows me every day.

Note to Self: There is no substitute for a mother's love.





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